The everyWoman Blog: Do Women Prefer Male Mentors Over Other Women?

Whitney Port and her mentor Kelly Cutrone

“If a woman wants advice from someone who has been there, done that, then it pretty much has to be a man,” said Deborah Ellinger, president of Restoration Hardware.

According to a recent survey from USA Today of female CEOs, chairs and company founders, when asked to identify the one mentor who had the most influence on their careers, 33 of the 34 who responded identified a man. Why? Well first of all it is because of basic math. There are only 29 Fortune 1,000 companies with a female CEO and not enough other women in very high-ranking positions to do be mentors. There are more male mentor options if you are looking for someone at the top of their field especially in business. But do women actually prefer the guiding principles of men over women? Do they think they will do better in their careers by listening to men even though men are missing one very important thing that would make a female mentor more relatable? Can men truly be better mentors to women even though they have never experienced being part of the minority in their career?

Attorney Andrea Harvey:

I am in the legal field which is primarily male dominated. Ironically, when you start in the field people often try to pair you will people that look like you. However, in my experience that has been the least helpful. They helped for a little while, but eventually I lost touch. Got tired of sending unanswered emails and leaving voicemails. I am not sure if it is because they saw me as a threat or they just were not as invested in mentoring as you may have liked them to be.
However, those male mentors who were not “paired” up with me, that I just adopted or who adopted me, were the most helpful. They broke down the law to me in ways I would never have understood. Some people are just helpful and others are not. It does not matter if they share a gender or even a race with you.

Some women noted, like Sara Schoonover, Vice President of TicketKick, that it is that lack of emotion that may make men better mentors in some aspects. Men may be better at telling it like it is and what you need to do while female mentors may try to protect and mother you more. Laura Sen of BJ’s Wholesale Club said The best male mentor won’t be the guy who is nicest to you in the office, but the one who is wise enough to know that there is no one more loyal than the women he champions. Her mentor is BJ’s Chairman Herb Zarkin. Female CEOs say their male mentors believed in them enough to push them beyond their comfort zones. The best mentors won’t waste their time on women unless they see a strong desire for success, said Laura Wellington, CEO of The Giddy Gander Co.

But is it that easy to just say male mentors are better because they aren’t women? Unfortunately in some industries they may be able to get help their mentee more because they are higher up in the company as biotechnologist Jaymi Chapline noted. But maybe we shouldn’t be looking at mentors as male versus female but instead of looking at their attributes and qualities that make a good mentor. Bonnie Low-Kramen, the former personal assistant of Academy Award winning actress Olympia Dukakis, said:

The perception of mentoring needs to change. It used to be that a worker would be mentored by someone in every aspect of their work and it cannot be that way anymore because of the time crunch everyone is in. But it is possible to mentor others in the one, two, or even three things you are good at and people in the workplace need to make it their business to find out what the people around them do best. When that happens, the improved skills automatically helps them move ahead.
My experience is that men are more eager to be mentors – mainly because they were not socialized to get “permission” first. Working with Olympia has shown me that women, in general, need encouragement to jump in and take a risk, but once they give themselves “permission,” women are extraordinarily generous mentors. Women are taught to be competitive against each other so it is important to understand that dynamic and come out and say, “I’d like to pick your brain about my project and I would be glad to help you when you need it. I believe in women helping other women succeed. Let’s make this happen.”

Chapline added one mentor may be able to help deal with conflict and adversity in the work environment, but he or she may not positioned to help you get to the next level, whereas another mentor may be able to help guide your career, provide growth opportunities, and hopefully sponsorship to help you get to the next level. According to a recent study by The Career Exposure Network male mentors rank higher in general business training, helping with leadership opportunities, guiding networking/advancement opportunities and feedback, coaching and advice. However, female mentors rank higher in informal fellowship and guidance within corporation. Male mentors actually rank a little higher in terms of motivation and encouragement than women.

A rich source of female talent exists just below top management, says Sylvia Ann Hewlett, founding president of the Center for Work-Life Policy, a research organization. But women have become stuck in this layer because they tend to lack a sponsor at the top to advocate for them, she says. Sponsors are different from mentors, who lend friendly advice and allow workers to share their challenges while sponsors make a direct bet on the promotions of their mentees. They put their own careers on the line by doing so. “Women tend to be overmentored and undersponsored,” said Hewlett.

Dr.Priya Nalkur-Pai, a professional coach who works with women on their career transitions and overall life satisfaction. She has held teaching and research appointments at Harvard University and Hunter College.

“I think it’s one of the most important things and I talk about it with my clients very frequently. Of equal importance is knowing what your criteria are in having the ‘right’ mentor – and those criteria differ from woman to woman. You should ask yourself what you need from a mentor, why you need or want one, and what you might be able to contribute to your mentor as part of the relationship. For example, how often will you call or meet with her? How will this relationship be different from a normal friendship, if at all? What does she need to know about you to be a good mentor to you? How much about her do you want or need to know? Mentoring is about a structured relationship. If you think you might have found someone who could be a good mentor for you, ask her explicitly if she will be your mentor. This crisply defines the relationship, which sets it up for success. I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary that a woman have a female mentor, but each person should seriously consider whether and how much their potential mentor’s gender is important to them.”

Photo: MTV’s The City

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